mental illness survivor

Anonymous Confession #2: Lights, camera, action

Hello from your Lunatic Friend,

Part of my illness is that I, on occasion, hear voices and have visual hallucinations.  Sometimes, I see people who are not really there.  Last week I had the opportunity to act in a student’s video project.  I got to play a “crazy” person…which is right up my alley.  So, the premise was that a nosy neighbor was going through my mail, and she gets my name and also the sender’s name.  She comes to my door with cupcakes and says, “Are you…” so and so??  I say yes.  And she tells me that Jan asked her to bring my cupcakes.  I say, “Oh how thoughtful…won’t you come in?”  Then I offer her a glass of wine, which I have spiked with a tranquilizer or something like that.  When she comes to, the table is set for a party and she is at the head, but she is paralyzed.  I go to the door, fuss at my invisible dog, and greet my invisible guest.  I am conversing with this guest as I head back to the table.  Then I make introductions.  When the nosy neighbor, who at this point is terrified, doesn’t introduce herself to my other “guests”, I lose my temper.  I then turn to another “guest” and excuse myself saying that I will put on some music to lighten the mood.  Then I just sort of dance around like an insane person and shove a cupcake in the nosy neighbors mouth.  I keep dancing, and the camera goes to a close up of the neighbor’s face, cupcake stuffed mouth, eyes wide in terror.  I have to be honest.  Playing up my craziness was a BLAST!!! I work so hard at keeping the crazy in.  To be allowed to just have fun with it was like FREEDOM!!!  I didn’t have to pretend to be normal.  Instead I got to go overboard and really exaggerate the lunacy.  Now, as a side note, I would never poison anyone or do anything like what the video portrayed me as.  But, it was a lot of fun.  Toning down the crazy is hard work.  I don’t think people realize how exhausting it truly is.  I don’t have many “fun” days.  The best I usually get are numb days and small bursts of mania.  Generally, if I am productive and get stuff done throughout the day, and maybe, I smile once genuinely and not forcing it, I consider that a good day.  But that shoot was truly enjoyable.  Maybe, sometimes, it is okay to give in to the nuttier side of myself.  To truly relax with who I am may be the release I need sometimes.  I just have to figure out a healthy way of doing it…that is the conundrum.  How crazy can I go without being self-destructive?  Oh well, time will tell if I find a balance and can figure out a healthy way of doing it.  But, it was fun to sort of make fun of my craziness.  So, I recommend finding a creative outlet to “unleash the inner beast”.

Until next time,

Your lunatic friend


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