None…that is the amount of emotion I feel today. None. Emotionless days are the worst. I can handle profound depression and extreme mania or psychotic episodes better than I can handle feeling nothing. When you are numb, you just feel dead inside. Then the brain starts going into dark places: I am already dead inside…why not just kill myself and be done? But I am fighting these dark thoughts. This is nothing new. I blame the antipsychotics. They keep me sane, but at what cost? Still I could never stop taking them.
In college, I took a psych. class. We watched a video about mental illnesses. A man with a similar diagnosis to mine was featured. He had stopped taking his meds, and they found him living on the streets, making wall art from his feces. This image alone is the reason why I am almost religious about taking my medicines. I fear becoming this man.
So, today, I am stuck with “none”. Maybe it is the dreary weather or exhaustion or some other outside forces messing with my mental state today. Or maybe, it is just me.
None…how I wish I could feel the whole gamut of feelings…sad, angry, happy, ecstatic…but I feel none. Today is a good day to stay in bed. I would say today is a “terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day”, but I don’t even feel terrible…just numb.
So to all who, like me, feel nothing at times: Hold tight; don’t give up; keep fighting. At some point, you will experience emotion again. And, like me, you will probably take it for granted until another day like today comes along. I hope the next time I smile or whatever, I cherish it, knowing that at any moment I could be right back at “none”.
Your lunatic friend